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[03 Jan 2007|12:09pm] |
I went to the desert.
I really hate going on trips with people and their families. Waking up when they want, cleaning when they want, eating when they want, etc. But this trip came fully welcomed upon the course of the slippery, disastrous slope my life has turned into.
I feel worthless. What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I GOING to do? In October I was set to go to a photography school. Now I'm a dropout sitting around doing nothing but day tripping on the trolley and taking as many pictures as possible. By the way, I'm not sure I like the concept of taking numerous pictures. I'll never have the time to really look at these pictures ever again. If I do take the time, it will be hours through boxes, skimming the moments I can't have back and wasting the moment I'm in.
I can't wait until April to get a High School proficiency. I have too much pride to go four months without anything to say for myself. I'm only 17, I can't legally get a full time job, I'd have to have a school on my application anyways. And I don't even know if I'm accepted into that homeschool shit. My house doesn't have an answering machine. Strangers and my mom checked it when we did. There's no fucking order.
Why couldn't I just do the normal thing. What the fuck happened to me? How do you go from straight As to a failure? I was in the gifted program, I was in the top percentage of any fucking standardized test.
I think it's too late to go back... I don't think there could be any excuse for missing a month and a half of school besides I've gone fucking insane.
I need to get out of this house... maybe out of this place in general... always taking back friends who won't change for unreasonable pros.
I have feelings for someone who has about a 50% chance of having them back. Not again. Now I've gone too crazy to have anyone understand me anyways. I'm not ready to let anyone "normal" know what I'm thinking.
And I've gotten ugly and unhealthy. My hair is overprocessed and my eyebrows are too dark to match. Something is just fucking weird about my face. And my skin is shitty. And I'm tired of waking up and scrubbing off black eye makeup... and I'm tired of people giving me shit about my septum and I think I'll take it out. I not only FEEL crazy I feel like I LOOK crazy.
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| I like when I write in text message drafts. |
[14 Dec 2006|11:51pm] |
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This bra of thoughts is suffocating, I need to get it off my chest
Though these bare words are humiliating, I need to put my past to rest.
Your reactions are unpredictable, quite extreme, and hard to guess.
I'll swallow this with a grain of salt before I let you watch my mind undress.
Let your forehead sweat and your tongue drip wet
in anticipation of something that hasn't been taken in yet.
Let these confessions tease you and these words strip true
as I tell you things that I'll regret.
Don't mistake insanity for insecurity and try to touch things you can't get.
Believe me, you don't have the time or capability
and my unreasonable needs may never be met.
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| Honesty |
[05 Dec 2006|08:57pm] |
To everyone I know,
God, I hate people. I have this thing where I expect the worst from people, and I'm usually right. I defend things to others about you because I know they're true, and I am really the one with a magnifying glass on your errors.
It hurts to tell myself that I'm fucking picky, and despite how much I'm truly happy spending time with you, and how much I hate myself and I should be open to others' flaws, I'm always under your skin and my mind is shouting out your flaws. I'm scared of ever being under the influence or in a fit of rage and telling you all what I really think. That or there is already regret demolishing me because of something I've already said or done or thought. It's a huge flock of love I have for you, but I am a hunter, killing it off for me and for you little by little.
It's a problem, I can't handle the truth. For another point, I can't handle it about who I am, either. Somehow I'm still so insecure but my mind is stuck inside some mental warp of a false confidence that I've been feeding you I have indulged myself. It lets me just settle for what I am. It's like when I say some things to my friends I expect them to take this verbal abuse and I'm asking them to be thankful they aren't getting the kind of lashing I'm doing to myself.
The thing is, I'll never be the same as everyone.
There are the people I think are strange, but I am stranger.
Ugh I am not fucking happy with myself. Not in any way. My problem is one I can't help myself out of alone, but my problem is needing someone else. :/
I don't know if you guys understood that because I couldn't make it through a proofread even once.
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| Let's post |
[04 Dec 2006|08:36pm] |
I wanted this to be over but I feel I can't just end at a turning point. My life is a cheap metal hanger, and somewhere between school and "home" and an attempt at satisfaction, I've been bent and I don't know yet if I will ever return to that normal shape. Maybe I will be close to normal again, but have that dent that just will NOT come out because I'm too weak to fix.
I honestly don't know what's going on. I'm scared because I have nothing to show for myself but some lyrics, drawings, a couple of learned songs on the guitar, and the mentality to believe they're something special.
I dropped out of school.
Nothing phases me. I just don't care. I can't focus. This is the part I'm supposed to feel regret at, right? Or lonely? Or pissed off? How 'bout emptyheaded and numb to emotions? That's all I have.
There are just so many aspects of life and they can never all be okay at once. When I finally started doing things my old friends never wanted to do and hanging out with more people and going out more and participating in the man-world, I expected to be totally happy.
So why am I not?
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| I think I might be going crazy.,,, or getting crazier? |
[16 Nov 2006|10:07pm] |
Sitting above that same stormdrain
watching the waking lives of the city
having gained no reassurance
and even worse, little pity
The sun came out when I stepped outside
masking the world in artifical happiness
and blinding honest eyes
Clouds ready to strike light blue skies
Beneath me, last week, my body cried
Afraid of reality, ready to rise
and sitting here emotionless
watching the waking lives
the end.
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| Stormdrain_song |
[02 Jul 2006|06:23pm] |
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music |
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Pinback - Non Photo-Blue |
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Here's me in a stormdrain somewhere down my street
Here's me not wanting saved or feeling trusting
Here's me, eyes inches from waking lives of the city
Here's me wanting reassurance and not pity
Here's me letting the murky water rise up me slowly
Here's me letting go without knowing
Here's me, eyes inches from waking lives of the city
Here's me wanting reassurance and not pity
Megan. 17. California. Hoping to have a journal only strangers can read.
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